August 29, 1973

Who's Kidding Who?

I wish that you will consider this piece less a defense of Conservative Congressman John Ashbrook and more of a commentary on the current state of the American sense of humor.

My old friend, John, is quite capable of taking care of himself in a semantic exchange with those on the opposite end of the political see-saw.  Matter of fact, he relishes such encounters, and is rarely out pointed.

Thus, I knew we were ready for fun and games when he chose recently to twit the editor of the "EPA Log," ostensibly a news letter of the Federal Environmental Protection Agency at Washington, D.C.

Ms. Nancy Maloley reported that agency scientists had discovered that "burping cows must rank as the number one source of air pollution in the United States."

It is estimated, said Ms. Maloley, that cows annually burp approximately 50 million tons of hydrocarbons into the atmosphere.

"There presently exists no available technology for controlling these emissions," the editor continued.  "However, the Department of Agriculture has suggested that perhaps a gas mask might do the trick if such masks can be designed to allow cows to eat grass while wearing them.

"It might even be possible to recover the natural gas generated by these cows, which could perhaps increase the supply by 10 percent.  Rest assured that EPA will take every measure to see that this significant source of hydrocarbon emissions is substantially reduced."

The environmentalists often are guilty of gross exaggeration, but it is still obvious that in this instance Ms. Maloley was just joshing.

Congressman Ashbrook, a former weekly newspaper publisher in Johnstown, Ohio, chose to take the EPA report at face value.  He passed along the EPA item to his rural oriented constituency in his weekly letter to voters.

My guess is that John wanted to expose the frivolity of those who are entrusted with a very serious problem of our times.  However, he might have, indeed, taken the burping cows seriously inasmuch as equally ridiculous proposals sometimes are put forward in the name of pure air and water.

Whatever his true evaluation of the cow article, John tucked his tongue in his cheek and warned farmers to beware Agriculture Department employees coming around to attach anti-pollution devices to their cows.

Chalmers Roberts, a reporter for the ultra-liberal "Washington Post" rushed to Ms. Maloley's defense.  Cows don't burp, he declared with amusement, because they have four stomachs.  And, anyway, Ms. Maloley says, "Doesn't everyone have a sense of humor.  I never thought anyone would take it seriously."

Congressman Ashbrook, concludes Roberts, is a humorless fuddy-duddy anxious to find fault.

Columnist James Kilpatrick, probably the most articulate of the thin ranks of conservative newspapermen, dealt himself into the game with the observation that the EPA hoax was delightful.

As author of a reasonably famous spoof, "Notes on the Ancient Game of Tiddlywinks," Kilpatrick embraces the burping cows.  He manages to convey the though that maybe, this one time, Ashbrook was nit-picking; and, certainly, Roberts was.

What escaped Editor Maloley, Congressman Ashbrook, Reporter Roberts and Columnist Kilpatrick is that each was pulling the leg of the other.

As for myself, I ask first why in blazes is the spokesman of a significant department of the government wasting tax payer's money turning out silly little stories.

In the present confusion and counter claims of environmental debate, it is a little too early for plausible spoofs.  At this "point in time," the improbable often seems normal: It was just such timing that made Orson Welles' radio hoax "War of the Worlds" so believable.

Maybe next year, Ms. Maloley.

Finally, I note that those of the extreme left or right generally are witty, but refuse to acknowledge it in their opponents.

Too bad.

Maybe if we could laugh at each other's jokes, we might not take ourselves so seriously.  By standing closer together, we might see goals in a similar perspective.

Author: Lindsey Williams