September 5, 1999

Bush, Gore Seek Immortal Words to Define Big Issues

Front runners in the Republican and Democratic presidential sweepstakes now have made their opening, defining speeches consisting of a big issues in search of an immortal phrase.

Both chose education as their main, rhetorical weapon.

Vice-president Al Gore officially launched his campaign at his hometown of Carthage, Tenn., in June. His best shot was: “We need revolutionary improvement to our public schools” -- hardly a Churchillian blood, sweat, toil and tears.

Texas Gov. George W. Bush did somewhat better last week before the Latino Business Association at Los Angeles. He decried the “soft bigotry of low expectation” from disadvantaged children” -- considerably short of a Lincolnian new nation conceived in liberty.

With a three-month head start, Gore has accumulated the most malapropisms.

My favorite is: “I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change.” Then there is: “I stand by all the misstatements I’ve made.”

One suspects that Yogi Berrea is ghost writing the veep’s speeches.

George W. has avoided statements that turn back on themselves, but he has displayed ignorance about the world around us. He mistakenly referred to Kosovars as “Kosovarians,” and Greeks as “Grecians.” He confused Slovakia with Slovenia, but who knew the difference?

When politicians have trouble coming up with deathless prose, they resort to humor – or a reasonable facsimile thereof -- usually at the expense of their rivals.

Gore works hard on funnies in an effort to dispel the bumper-sticker jibes at his personality: “Nixon 2000, he’s not as stiff as Gore.”

When GOP presidential candidate Sen. Orrin Hatch called to say he would be late for the Iowa straw poll presentations, but everyone should start without him, Gore opined, “I think we already did.”

As the great humorist Will Rogers once observed, “There is nothing wrong with a political joke as long as he doesn’t get elected.”

A still bitter cut was the riddle widely repeated during the first Clinton campaign: “What is the difference between Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda.” Answer: “Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.”

George W. Bush’s critics ridicules him as a Texan that is “all hat and no cows.” He usually replies in Spanish that translates unfavorably to something about gringos.

Gore’s critics like to quote his speech in which he asserts, “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water.”

When all else fails, candidates get out their Webster’s Unabridged and cloud the issues with multi-syllabic words. These are correctly defined, but hint at nefarious shortcomings. In this category are such epithets as right-wing, liberal left, religious conservative, social activist.

For those seeking inspiration in this delicate art I recommend George Smathers’ 1950 campaign leaflet that helped him defeat Florida Sen. Claude Pepper’s bid for reelection.

The paper was mailed to country folks who were assumed to have limited access to dictionaries:

• “Are you aware that Claude Pepper is known all over Washington as a shameless extrovert?
  
• “Not only that, but this man is reliably reported to practice nepotism with his sister-in-law.
  
• “And he has a sister who once was a thespian in Greenwich Village.
  
• “He has a brother who is a practicing homo sapiens.
  
• “And he went to college where he matriculated.
  
• “Worst of all, it is an established fact that Mr. Pepper, before his marriage, practiced celibacy!”

Pepper was never able to make it back to the Senate. He spent the rest of his illustrious career in the House of Representatives, from a district where he was well known.

(Click here for companion article about George Smathers and Claude Pepper)

Dan Quayle’s one boo-boo – supposedly misspelling potato with an end e, an approved alternative – earned him hoots still echoed today from unschooled pundits.

In the interest of fair play, I offer each leading candidate a re-phrased jibe they are free to use without attribution to the “The Joys of Yiddish Humor.”

“When Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out.”

“When Bush winds a clock, the clock stops.”

Congressman Dick Armey aptly sums up the aim of campaign oratory:

“One must, it is true, forgive one’s enemies. But not before they have been hanged.”

Until Gore, Bush et al are hanged, let us press for more details on big issues. Inside every large problem postulated by politicians, there is a small problem struggling to get out.

By Lindsey Williams, columnist for Sun Coast Media Group newspapers