December 12, 1999

Instructions for Celebrating the New Millennium Twice

First off, be assured that you will be able to flush your toilet after your New Year’s Eve gala. The Charlotte County administrator and Punta Gorda city manager say so.

Oh, if the Y2K bug has sneaked into official computers, our water/sewage bills may be a month late, or our charges permanently lost – we should be so lucky.

I hadn’t intended to delve into the millennium thing until a year from now. By my reckoning, the next thousand-year cycle doesn’t start until 12:00 a.m. January 1, 2001. My high school math teacher would be proud of my acumen regarding 0 ciphers.

However, when a majority of my fans implore me to address the issue I feel compelled to respond. Two requests, including one by my wife, can not be ignored.

Several astute Sun-Herald readers have written our editor and explained the millennium situation to him. This is a good thing inasmuch as he needs all the help he can get. Also, our publisher is confident our subscription notices will go out on time.

Other chief executive officers throughout the country are not so sanguine. The Associated Press has learned that head honchos of high-tech computer companies plan to skip New Year parties in order to be on hand at the office just in case things go blooey.

Among the nervous nellies are Microsoft, Intel, AT&T and Hewlett-Packard. Nevertheless, Bill Gates allows as how he might take a sip from the bottle of bubbly the mail-room gang has stashed away for use when the boss beats the government’s monopoly case and gives everyone a fat raise. Ha ha.

Our government’s CEO is not worried. He will be setting off giant firecrackers on the Mall when the world comes to an end at the stroke of midnight. He is cool, calm and collected because the Treasury says Social Security checks will go out as scheduled. This is important.

There is no fury to match that of little old ladies whose pension checks are a day late.

Other heads of states are equally prepared.

Greece has expelled a group of apocalyptic Christians who have read Revelations too many times. Many French restaurants have turned down New Year parties for fear distraught customers will start breaking crockery when the end of the world gets underway. Turkey has forbidden large ships to sail the Bosporus Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 that might get cross-wise in the channel if their navigation computers lock down. Times Square is expected to be jammed with twitchy celebrants ready to duck when the Big Apple hits bottom.

As a public service, let me present my theorem on millennium dating. I tried this out on my seventh-grade grand-daughter. She does well in math and pretended to understand my logic.

Christians mark time with the birth of Jesus. History before that event is counted backwards as B.C. – “Before Christ.” Right off the bat, we are in trouble. Most Americans can count backwards from 10, having watched space rocket launches. Beyond 10 we are confused. Furthermore, non-Christians translate B.C. as “Before the Common era.”

A.D. is a piece of cake. It stands for Anno Domini – “In the year of our Lord.” If we buy into the convention that Jesus was born on Dec. 25 – the pagan holiday welcoming the winter solstice – then all present theories regarding millennium dates are spurious. Therefore, let us posit that Jan. 1 was the first day of the first year of our Lord.

Some 364 days later, at 11:599 p.m. Dec. 31, A.D. 1 has been completed -- in other words, the first birthday of A.D. 1.

The 10th birthday was reached at the last second of 10 A.D. The 100th year was completed at the end of 100 A.D. The 1,000th complete year was at the end of 1000 A.D. The 2,000th complete year will end at 11:599 p.m. on Dec. 31, 2000 A.D. The third millennium will begin at 12:00 a.m. Jan. 1, 2001 A.D.

It is presumptuous for Christians to usurp calendars in use by most world people. Jews reckon we currently are in the 5,759th year since creation. For some 1.2 billion Chinese, this year is number 4698 by their lunar calendar.

Before we get uppity about the Christian calendar, we should start over at 4 B.C. – the date astronomers and Biblical scholars have determined to be Jesus’ birth year. And probably in April when herders watch over their sheep giving birth to lambs in the fields day and night.

For now, confused party goers can celebrate the New Year on Jan. l of the upcoming year and again on Jan. 1, 200l. After all, two parties are better than one. Tell them I sent you.

By Lindsey Williams, columnist for Sun Coast Media Group newspapers