The Old Curiosity Shop herein offers
its now-and-then clearance sale of unusual printables that a columnist
accumulates but never finds for them a specific use.
THE MISSING E
As a writer, I cherish the letter E.
It is the most often used letter of the English alphabet
and accounts for the battered key on my old typewriter. A mashed E is the badge of a hard working journalist.
One would think, therefore, that language would be impossible without this most useful of vowels. Not so - as Ernest Vincent Wright demonstrated in 1939. He wrote a 50,000-word novel, titled "Gadsby" without a single word containing the letter E.
The book is short on plot, but it violates neither grammar or sense. Take, for example, the following passage chosen at random from Wright's extraordinary masterpiece:
"Gadsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hills' manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A
busy day's traffic had had its noisy
run; and with not many folks in sight,
His Honor got along without having
to stop to grasp a hand, or talk: for
a Mayor out of City Hall is a shining
mark for any politician.
"And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gadsby, walking toward that group, saw a young girl, hack towards him, just finishing a long, soulful oration. saying
- '...and I can say this to you,
for I know what I am talking about;
for I was brought up in a pool of liquor!"
"As that Army
group was starting to march on, with
this girl turning towards Gadsby, His
Honor had to gasp, astonishingly --
"'Why, Mary
Antor!"
"'Oh, if it isn't Mayor Gadsby! I don't run across you much, now-a-days. How is Lady Gadsby holding up during this awful war?"'
Incidentally I used 65 Es to introduce this none-E segment - and 10 more to close it.
GOLDEN RULE VARIATIONS
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you -Hebrew.
Do as you would be done by. -Persian.
Do not that to a neighbor
which you shall take ill from him. - Grecian.
What you would not wish done
to yourself do not do unto others. - Chinese.
One would seek for others
the happiness one desires for one's self. -
Buddhist.
Let none of you treat his
brother in a way he himself would not like to be
treated. - Mohammedan.
The true rule of life is to
guard and do by the things of others as they do
by their own. - Hindu.
The law imprinted on the hearts
of all men is to love the members of society as
themselves. - Roman.
ISMS DEFINED
Socialism - If you have two cows, you give one to your neighbor.
Communism - If you have two cows, you give them to the government, then the government gives you some milk.
Fascism - If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government, then the government sells you the milk.
Nazism - If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes the cows.
Capitalism - If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
DESIDERATA
A parchment letter of the above title, meaning "things essential" and dated 1692, is supposed to have been discovered in the cornerstone of Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore. The find cannot be substantiated, but the advice is worth noting.
"GO placidly
amid the noise and haste, and remember
what peace there may be in silence.
"AS far as possible,
without surrender, be on good terms
with all persons.
"SPEAK your
truth quietly and clearly; and listen
to others, even the dull and ignorant,
for they too have their story.
"AVOID loud
and aggressive persons, for they are
vexations to the spirit.
"IF you compare
yourself with others, you may become
vain and bitter; for always there will
be greater and lesser persons than
yourself.
"ENJOY your
achievements as well as your plans.
"KEEP interested
in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
"EXERCISE caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But
let this not blind you to what virtue
there is; many persons strive for high
ideals; and everywhere life is full
of heroism.
"BE yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither
be cynical about love; for in the
face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass.
"TAKE kindly
the counsel of the years, gracefully
surrendering the things of youth.
"NURTURE strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many
fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
"BEYOND a wholesome
discipline, be gentle with yourself.
"YOU are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And
whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding
as it should.
"THEREFORE be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. Whatever
your labors and aspirations, in the
noisy confusion of life, keep peace
with your soul.
"WITH all its
sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it
is still a beautiful world."
POKER ODDS
The odds against being dealt certain hands in poker - royal flush 649,739 to 1; straight flush 72,192 to 1; four of a kind 4,164 to 1; full house 693 to 1; flush 508 to 1; straight 254 to 1; three of a kind 46 to 1; two pairs 20 to 1; one pair 1 ½ to 1.
My personal advice - never keep a kicker and never draw to an inside straight. When you're hot you're hot, and when you're not you're not.
NOTICE
The management accepts curious printables on consignment.
