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WIT & WISDOM“I gather me a bouquet of other men’s posies. Only the tie that binds them is my own.” ---- o ---- Flogging will continue until morale improves. ---- o ---- If there is anything worse than being wrong, it is being right with nobody listening. --- Andy Capp ---- o ---- Ten little two-letter words to success: “If it is to be it is up to me.” ---- o ---- What good can come from a day that begins with getting up early in the morning? ---- o ----
---- o ---- Yard by yard, life is hard. Inch by inch, it’s a cinch. ---- o ---- Education is what you learn after you think you know it all. ---- o ----
---- o ---- It is always best to speak the truth -- unless, of course -- you are an exceptionally good liar. ---- o ---- When you point a finger at someone, three of your fingers point to yourself. ---- o ---- Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. ---- o ----
Ignorance is no excuse. It’s the real thing. ---- o ---- The graveyard is full of indispensable men.” --- Charles De Gaulle ---- o ---- No person is a complete failure. He serves as a bad example. ---- o ---- When your head swells up, your brain stops working. ---- o ---- In a sled race, only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. ---- o ---- The one thing you learn the hard way is that there is no easy way. ---- o ---- Remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, rules. ---- o ---- Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. ---- o ---- The lie has seven endings. --- Swahili proverb ---- o ---- A lie is two miles down the road before truth gets its boots on. ---- o ---- No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. ---- o ---- No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. --- Eleanor Roosevelt ---- o ---- Money talks and politicians listen – “Here I am, Honey. Come and get me!” ---- o ---- Improvements in mass communications produce larger areas of mediocrity. ---- o ---- An optimist is someone who throws meat to a tiger in hope of turning the beast into a vegetarian. ---- o ---- Failure is never fatal, and success never final. ---- o ----
---- o ---- At any given time, there are more important people in the world than important jobs for them. ---- o ---- Old age ain’t for sissies. ---- o ---- You can’t turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again. ---- o ----
---- o ---- Just think how happy you’d be if you lost everything and then got it back. ---- o ---- If you look like your driving license photo, you’re too sick to drive. ---- o ---- If you only do what you’re supposed to do, you haven’t done enough. --- Henry Ford ---- o ---- “Any job worth doing is worth doing well.” --- Lizzie Borden (attributed) ---- o ---- Americans either get the kind of leaders they deserve, or deserve the kind they get. ---- o ---- Character is what you are when nobody is looking. ---- o ---- “Fight on, my merry men. I’m a little wounded but not yet slain. I will lay me down to bleed awhile – then I’ll rise and fight with you again.” --- Armstrong Goodnight, 1702 ---- o ---- You can’t have every thing. Where would you put it? --- Stener Wright ---- o ---- It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts. ---- o ---- When all else fails, read the instructions. ---- o ---- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. ---- o ---- Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ---- o ---- Progress might have been all right once, but it went on too long. --- Ogden Nash ---- o ---- The other line moves faster. ---- o ---- Never argue with any one who buys ink by the barrel. ---- o ---- The grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but you have to mow it. ---- o ---- The trouble with Washington, D.C., is that it’s too small for a state, and too large to be an asylum for the mentally deranged. --- Anne M. Burford ---- o ---- Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! ---- o ---- A journey of one thousand miles begins with one step. --- Chinese proverb ---- o ---- You’re just jealous because the Voices talk only to me. ---- o ---- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. ---- o ---- I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. ---- o ---- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. ---- o ----
---- o ---- When in doubt, tell the truth. ---- o ---- Don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive. ---- o ---- Smile if you don’t know what the Hell is going on. ---- o ----
---- o ---- Nothing beats a royal flush except a Smith & Wesson. --- Alexander Pope ---- o ---- Some people are alive because it is illegal to kill them. ---- o ---- Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep. --- Dale Carnegie ---- o ---- Americans believe in education. The average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. ---- o ---- A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. ---- o ---- You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. --- Al Capone (attributed) ---- o ---- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. ---- o ---- A conclusion is the place where you get tired thinking. ---- o ---- There is no rest for the wicked, and damn little for the righteous. ---- o ---- Money will buy a dog, but only love will make him wag his tail. ---- o ---- A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw ---- o ---- Two-rule protocol of job security:
---- o ---- The trouble with our times is that the future isn’t what it used to be. ---- o ---- Better to light one small candle than curse the darkness. --- Chinese proverb ---- o ---- I’ve been poor, and I’ve been rich. Rich is better. ---- o ---- The way to clinch an argument with your wife is to put your arms around her. ---- o ---- Money won’t buy happiness, but it makes misery bearable. ---- o ---- No one is old enough to know better. --- Holbrook Jackson ---- o ---- Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it. --- Santayana ---- o ----
---- o ---- I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me. ---- o ---- The trouble with life is there’s no background music. ---- o ---- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. ---- o ---- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. ---- o ---- It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. --- Longfellow ---- o ---- God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs, nor kick ourselves too easily. --- Guideposts ---- o ---- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is just possible that you haven’t grasped the situation. --- Jean Kerr ---- o ---- Education makes life easier. For instance, if you haven’t learned to sign your name, you’d have to pay cash for everything. ---- o ---- A government is the only vessel known to leak from the top. ---- o ---- There’s one sure way to correct your mistakes -- write your own biography. ---- o ---- It is easy to meet expenses – you meet them every time you turn around. ---- o ---- The surest way to make a red light turn green is to try and find something in the glove compartment. --- Gary Doney ---- o ---- Auto mechanic to customer: “My advice is to keep the oil and change the car. --- Nickey ---- o ---- An agreeable person is one who agrees with you. ---- o ---- If a person does something you don’t like, tell him. If people don’t know what they’re doing wrong, how can they improve? ---- o ---- A deaf ear is the first symptom of a closed mind. ---- o ---- Having a good name is better than being rich -- it is tax free. ---- o ---- A poor workman always finds fault with his tools. ---- o ---- Laughter is much more important than applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward. --- Carol Channing ---- o ---- Once you make enough to meet your responsibilities, you can afford to risk a certain amount for fun. --- Telly Savalas ---- o ---- Ask questions. It’s the best way to become a better listener. ---- o ---- The biggest step you can take is that to meet the other person halfway. ---- o ---- Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. ---- o ---- My idea of real luxury is to live in a house with an empty closet. --- Arthur Godfrey ---- o ---- Don’t talk about your troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care, and the other 20 percent are glad you’re having trouble. ---- o ---- You get more than you give when you give more than you get. --- Fred Babcock ---- o ---- Valuable advice from an old carpenter – measure twice, saw once. ---- o ---- Keep your head down when playing golf. That way you can hit the ball and pray at the same time. ---- o ---- A friend is a person who knows all about you and still likes you. ---- o ---- A real friend is a person who – when you’ve made a fool of yourself – lets you forget it. ---- o ---- Tact is changing the subject without changing your mind. ---- o ---- It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts. ---- o ---- Behind every successful man there is a woman with nothing to wear, and two people named Jones. ---- o ---- The word “listen” contains the same letters as the word “silent.” ---- o ---- Love is a game that two can play and both win. ---- o ---- You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving. ---- o ---- Love may not make the world go around, but it sure makes the trip worthwhile. ---- o ---- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. ---- o ---- God must love stupid people, he made so many. ---- o ---- Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else. ---- o ---- If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around. ---- o ---- By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. --- Socrates ---- o ---- Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --- Charlotte Whitton ---- o ---- The male is a domestic animal which – if treated with firmness and kindness – can be trained to do most things. --- Jilly Cooper ---- o ---- I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --- Zsa Zsa Gabor ---- o ---- The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --- Lucille Ball ---- o ---- Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. ---- o ---- Noting is easier to pick up, and harder to drop, than a prejudice. ---- o ---- No man has ever been shot while washing the dishes. ---- o ---- There are two theories in arguing with a woman. Neither one works. ---- o ---- You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --- Dean Martin ---- o ----
---- o ---- You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to tell her she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1,440 times a day. --- Ibid ---- o ---- In the Land Of The Blind, a man with one eye is king. ---- o ---- A phoney Texan is all hat, and no cattle. All frills, and no knickers. ---- o ---- Be careful what you wish for because you might get it. ---- o ---- Better the Devil you know, than the Angel you don’t. ---- o ---- If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. ---- o ---- Every one wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die. ---- o ---- If something can go wrong, it will. --- Murphy’s Law ---- o ----
---- o ---- The trouble with our times is that the future isn’t what it used to be. --- Paul Valery ---- o ---- Save a thing seven years and you will always find a use for it. ---- o ---- A good man in an evil society seems the greatest villain of all. ---- o ---- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. ---- o ---- Common sense ain’t common. ---- o ---- Grow where you’re planted. ---- o ---- Advice most needed is least heeded. ---- o ---- It’s a poor job that can’t stand at least one supervisor. ---- o ---- We grow too soon old and too late smart. --- Amish Proverb ---- o ---- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. --- Lee Trevino ---- o ---- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ---- o ---- Raising girls is like watering your neighbor’s garden. --- Punjab Proverb ---- o ---- Don’t throw a brick straight up. --- Grand Pa Pickles ---- o ---- Those who hammer their guns into plows, will plow for those who do not. --- Anonymous ---- o ---- Don’t carry moderation to extreme. ---- o ---- While money doesn’t buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. ---- o ---- There are ten types of people -- those who understand binary, and those who don’t. ---- o ----
---- o ---- The glass that is neither half full nor half empty is twice as large as it needs to be. ---- o ---- 76.4% of all statistics are meaningless. ---- o ----
---- o ---- Never fight an inanimate object. --- P. J. O’Rourke ---- o ---- It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. --- Aesop ---- o ---- You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do. --- Henry Ford ---- o ---- Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff. --- Frank Zappa ---- o ---- Hindsight is always 20/20. --- Billy Wilder ---- o ---- Who shall guard the guardians? --- Juvenal ---- o ---- Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. --- John Wayne ---- o ----
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---- o ---- If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. --- Clint Eastwood ---- o ---- Americans will put up with everything provided it doesn’t block traffic. --- Dan Rather ---- o ---- When angry, count ten before you speak. If very angry, an hundred. ---- o ---- Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. --- Frank Tyger ---- o ---- If you don’t have a nasty obituary, you probably didn’t matter. --- Freeman Dayson ---- o ---- People have one thing in common – they are all different. --- Robert Zend ---- o ---- In a world of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act, --- George Orwell ---- o ---- If Michelangelo had been concerned about risk, he would have painted the Sistine floor. --- Neil Simon ---- o ---- You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. --- Whistler ---- o ---- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ---- o ---- When you argue with a fool, make sure he isn’t doing the same thing. ---- o ---- There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics. --- Disraeli ---- o ---- There is only one way to kill capitalism: by taxes, taxes and more taxes. --- Karl Marx ---- o ---- Never ascribe to malice what can adequately be attributed to ignorance. --- Napoleon ---- o ---- I want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. --- Ashleigh Brilliant ---- o ---- Appeasers believe that if you keep throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian. --- Heywood Broun ---- o ---- When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. --- Rita Rudner ---- o ---- Only a mediocre person is at his best. --- Somerset Maughan ---- o ---- I think. Therefore, I am. --- Rene Descartes ---- o ---- If you can’t be good, be careful. ---- o ---- Women don’t want to know what you think. They want to hear what they think in a deeper voice. --- Bill Cosby ---- o ----
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---- o ---- Victory has a hundred fathers, but defeat is an orphan. --- Galeazzo Ciano ---- o ---- People demand freedom of speech to make up for freedom of thought which they avoid. --- Soren Kierkegaard ---- o ---- Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippman ---- o ---- We live in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors, and furniture polish is made from real lemons. --- Alfred Neuman ---- o ---- Every saint has a past, every sinner a future. ---- o ---- An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. ---- o ---- In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. --- Paul Harvey ---- o ---- Baseball advice: Keep your eyes clear, and hit ‘em where they ain’t. --- Wee Willie Keeler ---- o ---- Show me a good loser, and I will show you a loser. --- Vince Lombardi ---- o ---- Things are never so bad they can’t be made worse. --- Humphrey Bogart ---- o ---- Every one will be famous for 15 minutes. --- Andy Warhol ---- o ---- Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good you will have to ram them down peoples’ throats. --- Howard Aiken ---- o ---- The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps. --- Benjamin Disraeli ---- o ---- Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s just too much fraternizing with the enemy. --- Henry Kissinger ---- o ---- Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. --- George Santayana ---- o ---- People have one thing in common: They are all different. --- Robert Zend ---- o ---- The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. --- Adam Walinsky ---- o ---- Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. --- Thomas A. Edison ---- o ---- Luck can’t last a lifetime unless you die young. --- Russell Banks ---- o ---- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said OK, you’re ugly too. --- Rodney Dangerfield ---- o ---- For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong. --- H. L. Mencken ---- o ---- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --- Derek Bok ---- o ---- Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted. --- Dan Sanford ---- o ---- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. --- President Kennedy ---- o ---- The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. --- Samuel Johnson ---- o ---- Men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. --- Lloyd Jones ---- o ---- Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who don’t. --- Anon ---- o ---- A verbal agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. --- Sam Goldwyn ---- o ----
---- o ---- An “expert” is somebody with a brief case, more than 50 miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides. --- Edwin Meese III
By Lindsey Williams, columnist for Sun Coast Media Group newspapers |